I'm back after 5 years!

Hello everyone! I have decided to restart my blog after being away from it for over five years. Life has been pretty busy and for the most part I have been far happier than in my previous life. There was never any doubt in my mind that I was doing the right thing as far as SRS was concerned, and the last five years have confirmed that it was the right decision for me.
Just a couple of months after returning from Thailand, I was keen to get back out on the dating scene and soon found myself in a relationship with a girl called Heidi. Everything started off great, even after her being told about my past, but over an 18 month period I became aware that she was overly possessive and jealous of my friends. She even went to the extreme of contacting people from my previous life, for what reason I will never know! I was so blind to this and should never have put up with all the bullshit she gave me, and I certainly regret having lost some great friends! Love is blind they say?
I made the decision to finish things with Heidi. We had been living together for just over a year and I did find it hard to let go. Possibly because she was my first girlfriend post SRS.
After Heidi, there was a short relationship with Sarah. She was a good friend of Fiona's and a really lovely genuine person too. Sadly, we only lasted a couple of months mainly because I just wasn't over Heidi. As a result, I have lost my best friend who I miss loads! The moral being... Don't sleep with your best friends mate.
The next year I spent 'making friends', as I'd recently moved to a new town. Visiting the local gay bar and being 'fresh meat' was a great experience that I probably needed, even if just to build my confidence. My confidence quickly improved to the point that I had gotten myself a little reputation, which in turn got me a job DJing at the gay bar.
This is how I met my current Fiancé, Sam. Everyone fancies the DJ right? Sam approached me while I was working and we got chatting and instantly hit it off. We met up for a drink a few days later and since then we've had a fab time together. It has now been nearly four years since we met and I couldn't imaging life without her. There's never a dull moment and we always find an occasion to have fun! We've recently moved to a lovely little place in the country, which is so peaceful and quiet.
Life is good!
Anyway, the main reason for starting my blog back up is because I have, for a long time, been contemplating FFS and that I'll want to document that, or at least share my thoughts on the matter. I have a consultation booked with Dr Bart Van de Ven for mid November for which I am both excited and nervous about. I have also been looking at Facial Team and will be booking a consultation with them too. I think it's a good idea to see several surgeons, as they will all have slightly different ideas or techniques etc. and Facial Team do seem to have a very good reputation in the trans community.

Permited to leave :-D

A couple of days to catch up on now that I can get out and about a little more. Thursday I went over the bridge again to the mall. I bought a bracelet which caught my eye, and is rather unusual. I also bought a hair clip just because it had a butterfly on it. I've always thought my life was similar to a butterfly, in that for 28 years I've been in a chrysalis feeling depressed, suppressed, and unable to do anything about it. Now it's time to hatch out as the beautiful butterfly I was always meant to be.

Friday I spent some time in the clinic just chatting to the other girls that are here. I also had a check up again with Dr Suporn. I was dreading this check up, as last time I saw him he said I may need some more stitches where some necrosis (dead skin) had appeared. He was concerned that the new skin that was growing underneath the patch of necrosis, was not going to graft onto the labia. I was really worried about having this done.

Anyway, during the check up he gave nothing but good news. I didn't need the stitches, as the necrosis has reduced considerably and he could see that it had healed well. He told me I no longer needed to use the Bitadene on the stitches on the outside of the vagina. Which is great as it stains everything, even your skin. He said I could have a bath, but not too hot and not for very long. To hear that was just fantastic, I miss my weekly soak in the bath. I will wait until I get home though, as the water here isn't very clean. I can now also use my normal shower gel to clean the vaginal area. Finally the best thing he told me, which made me feel quite emotional, was that he was happy for me to go home. I just have one final check up on Tuesday, then we'll leave here on Thursday. Can't wait!!

Today I've been for a longish walk, the same that I did a couple of days back. This time I found the mall, which is bigger than the one nearest the clinic. It has nothing of any real interest in it though, unless you want a mobile phone or accessories for one. There must have been thousands of mobile phones on display, I can only describe it as 'a sea of mobile phones'. I also wondered down a side street, there were some interesting shops but still nothing of any real interest. Lets face it, Chonburi is crap for shopping and it's only famous for one thing. ;-)
Walking here isn't a problem and I always feel safe, even when alone. The people are generally very friendly and always smiling. You do get starred at alot, but only because you're a westerner. I have had a couple of comments on the street like; "hello madame, very beautiful" while pointing at my hair. I guess they don't see many blonde girls.

A days holiday

I had a great day yesterday at Dr Suporn's beach house and the Chinese temple. I was amazed at how colourful the temple was, a truly fantastic place to visit. I managed to get some sunbathing in at the beach house and subsequently have added to my tan lines. A lot of time was spent in the shade as the heat again was just too much. Plenty of talking with the other girls went on, and exchanging experiences was enlightening. There was also an indoor swimming pool for those not there for surgery.

On getting back to the hotel I ordered room service as I was shattered, and after eating it was time for my evening dilation. It was possibly my worst dilation so far, not due to pain or discomfort but I think due to several other factors. I could not get to my depth no matter how hard I tried and after an hour I just gave up, feeling very frustrated. The factors I think that interfered with the routine were: I was tired, I wasn't relaxed, I was sore, I was hot and I was feeling quite alone. So I had a shower, cleaned up and got into bed and cried myself to sleep.

This morning when I woke up at 7.30am, I wasn't looking forward to dilating. I tried to relax myself first so started at 8am. Sure enough, dilation was no problem this morning, although getting to depth still seems to take me a good half hour. I did make sure I had plenty of lubrication this time too, as I was sure that may also be contributing factor to last nights lack of success. I can't wait to get back home and buy some water based lubricant, as I'm certain this will make dilation so much easier.

Today I'm taking it easy, just sitting out on the terrace with my laptop and DS. I may take a walk across the bridge to the mall later, after my afternoon session.

Well, sorry guys and girls but we're back onto dilation again today, as I've had to slightly adjust my dilation routine. I now have to get to my depth with the medium dilator, which is now taking about 30-40 minutes, then continue with dynamic dilation for another 15 minutes. Once this is done, I remove the medium dilator and repeat the process with the larger dilator. Thankfully, I don't have to get this one to full depth. Dr Suporn said anything past 4 inches is fine. Looking at the large dilator always frightened me, and I always maintained that 'that thing is not going to fit inside me'! Well I have to say I was supprised. It slides in with no problem and doesn't cause me any pain or discomfort. I am still very sore down there, and I have had to reduce my walking pace slightly. I have another check up later today, so will see what Dr Suporn has to say this time. I have still only regained that quarter of an inch, and keeping that is really hard work.

Yesturday, I managed to get out a little more and ventured across the road to the shopping mall. I didn't do the bridge, although I thought I probably could if I wanted to. We crossed the busy main road, which has 3 lanes in both dirrections and traffic is unpredictable. It took us about 15 minutes to get a gap big enough to toddle over. It felt great to have that little bit of extra freedom. The mall is air conditioned, and we had a good look round on 3 out of 4 floors before I had to sit down and have a drink. I knew at this point I needed to head back to the clinic, where I could have a rest. On the way back I wanted to try the bridge, I felt ready for it. I took each step very slowly and gently lifted one leg at a time onto the next step. I had to have a rest at the top, due to the heat more than anything, but otherwise didn't have a problem. It probably took about the same amount of time as crossing the busy road, but it was the sence of achievement that mattered to me. Sure enough, when we got to the clinic I had a lay down on the sofa and a glass of cold water was given to me. After 30 minutes or so, I was ready to head back to the hotel to start my afternoon dilation.

We also had some lunch, then I wanted to work on my tan so we headed off to a hotel down the road that has a roof top swimming pool. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to swim after the operation but I only wanted to sunbath anyway. It was 3pm and the heat was still really hot, and I managed to lay there for 30 minutes before I was just too hot.

Something different

I'm not going to talk about dilation today, as it's still sore. I have got a little closer to gaining that 1/2 inch back though.

I thought I'd give my feelings on post op rest, and how important I think that is. Let me first say that I have not yet, touch wood, woke up in a pool of blood or had any other nasty shocks. 'Pool of blood' is how a girl here described how she woke up (2 weeks post op) in the middle of the night. When I questioned what she had done that day, she replied 'I did the bridge'. For those that don't know, the bridge is a footbridge just outside the clinic, used to cross the road. I know alot of girls say the bridge is something you have to do before you leave, but 2 weeks post op is just too soon! On delving further into the conversation we had, I discovered she was drying between her toes after showering. Again, this just puts too much strain on the wound. I am now nearly three weeks post op, and I can only just dry the bottoms of my legs. It seems alot of girls here seem to think they are ready to get back to a normal life, when clearly they arn't. Listern to the people that know. There advice is given with good reason.

The only other thing I will say about today, is that I have a craving for Cornetto's. I've had five today, and I've sent Dell out to restock the freezer.

Dilation, now 3 times a day

Well, this morning I got up feeling fantastic for a change. I did my morning dilation routine and had my breakfast. I did my makeup and went out feeling great. I went down to the clinic as there's free internet access, and did some work. I had another check up with Dr Suporn today too. He did another internal inspection, and checked my vulva, labia and clitoris again. All was fine. He asked me about the depth I was getting during dilation and when I told him I had lost half an inch, he said it was too soon to loose any depth, and I now need to dilate three times a day to try to get the original depth back. He told me I need to apply continuous pressure when I get to my full depth, and while gyrating the dilator.

When I left I was feeling a little down to be honest, as dilating twice a day is hard enough. None the less, I went back to the hotel to do an afternoon 'session'. I got to the depth, and applied the technique Dr Suporn told me about. I was sceptical as to whether or not this was going to work, but sure enough, I gave it a try. I did it over 15 minutes, as told to, and was surprised when I had now regained a quarter of an inch. When doing my evening dilation, I was also able to regain the extra quarter of an inch. I know it doesn't sound a lot, but it's half way to regaining the depth I had lost. So I'm hoping, with continued use of this technique, I can get back to my original depth.

The next week

I've decided to summarise the first week in the hotel as it's not worthy of me writing about each day. Simply because each day was the same, except that my strength, slowly came back as each day passed. I will describe here though, some of the simplest tasks that I found I just could not do.

It was not possible to bend down to pick things up off the floor. Things like this happen in everyday life and you take it for granted so much, that you just don't realise how often you need to pick things up. Putting my knickers on in the first week was also impossible. I had to get Dell to help me get them past my knees before I could reach them to pull them up. Getting in the shower on my own. Not because I couldn't climb in, but because I just wasn't steady on my feet and still quite weak. I couldn't stand in the shower for more than a couple of minutes without feeling dizzy, so sitting in the bath holding the shower head was the only way to shower. Leaving the hotel room was a very tiring task, although it was possible.

On the Wednesday, I made it to the terrace, which is about 15 metres from my room. I sat out for 10 minutes before the heat got to me and I soon became tired from doing this simple thing. It was good for me that I managed it, as the hotel room soon becomes a very boring place to be 100% of your time.

On the Thursday, I was still feeling very tired, but was required to go to a seminar on post op care at the Suporn clinic. This was to be my first time outside of the hotel. I was keen to walk slowly and Dell had the bottle of water to hand should I need it. The walk to the clinic I would say was about 200 yards, and when I got there I was exhausted and out of breath. I was offered a glass of water and a comfy seat. A good 30 minutes later and I was back to being 'just tired'. I should probably mention about sitting now, something that without my 'donut', would be very unpleasant. The donut, is a small round cushion with a hole in the centre so that when ones bum is sat on it no pressure is applied to the 'wound'. The seminar lasted 5 hours and by this time I was exhausted. I had to lay down on one of the sofas in the clinic and rest for an hour before I wanted to start the walk back. I also had my first check up with Dr Suporn. His assistant removed some stitches that were loose and he confirmed everything is healing well.

Friday was spent just being lazy and I didn't leave the hotel room. I spent most of the day sleeping as I'm a great believer in listening to your body. If it says your tired, you sleep. If it says you can't bend down, don't bend down.

Saturday, valentines day, I was feeling a little more energetic but knew I still needed to take things slow. Valentine's was the last thing on my mind to be honest, but the card and gift's I got from Selena went a long way to cheering me up. Today was the first day I had felt up to eating in the hotel restaurant, so forgetting it was valentines day, we went to eat. I didn't bother with any makeup, in fact I haven't while I have been here because you have much higher priorities. No one cares if you look crap!

So there we were, sat in the restaurant, in the middle of all the loved up couples, looking 'unfinished', tired, and uncomfortable. The donut enabled me to sit with minimal discomfort, but that said, it was still uncomfortable. The chairs in the restaurant where not upright so sitting slightly slanted was the only option. I could not sit up without resting my back, it's just not comfortable. It was therefore hard to eat anything without it dropping on my lap. Something I found both annoying and frustrating. After a couple of days, I learned that there is something under the table that I can grab onto, to pull myself forward to eat over my plate. After dinner I was relieved once again, to be back on my bed. The only thing is, when you get to this point, so glad to be lay resting... you have to remember it's now time to dilate, so another 2 hours work to put in. After dilating I decided to open the bag that mum and dad gave be before leaving the UK. I was supposed to open it in the hospital but I just wanted to sleep there and get on with my recovery. In the bag was lots of little things, to cheer me up when I was feeling down. The tears streamed uncontrollably down my face. So much effort had gone into putting these little things together. I was really missing my mum and dad so much! One of the things in the bag was a cuddly toy, a giraffe, that I aptly named 'G'. He sits on my tummy when I'm dilating as no matter what pain I'm in, he's always smiling.

Sunday was my day of rest. Yes, another one, I need them at the moment. I did make it out to the terrace again with my laptop. The heat is getting more bearable now that I have the energy coming back. Not much else to report.

Monday, and I'm now two weeks post op. Alot of the redness has reduced, as has the swelling. Everything was feeling pretty damn sore today. I did my routine and went to the clinic for another checkup in the afternoon. This time it was an internal inspection, and Dr Suporn inserted a see through tube into my vagina. With the aid of a small mirror, he showed me my vaginal wall and pointed out that it was pink like a natal female. He also checked my vulva, labia and clitoris, all of which were looking very good. He said I was ready to start Dynamic Dilation now, which is great as you only have to dilate for 15 minutes. However, there is a down side... It will become very painful during months 2 and 3 as at this point scare tissue will try to contract, reducing the width of the vaginal opening should it not be stretched.

Tuesday morning came and I lay there for an hour, thinking about starting the dynamic dilation. I worried a little about this, but eventually, got my things together and made a start. Let me first explain that it is not a case of 15 minutes and off we go to breakfast. 15 minutes is the length of time you have to do the dynamic dilation for. This doesn't include any preparation, getting to your depth or any cleaning up. I think at this stage, getting to my depth is the hardest part. On entry, there are usually a couple of nightmare stitches that cause great unease to say the least. Once I'm pasted the first 3 inches, things go relatively easy. Until the last inch! To get to the last inch can take about 10 minutes and then the last inch will take at least 5 minutes, if not 10 minutes, of applying pressure, then releasing and re-applying pressure. Once I'm at depth, I have to withdraw an inch, and then gyrate the dilator slowly. This will stretch the scar tissue that will form and start to contract. I have to say, that as I haven't reached the 2 month stage yet, the dynamic dilation is not painful or uncomfortable. In fact, it is quite pleasing as I feel more involved and I'm certainly making good use of the reduced time.