Weekend in Aberystwyth

We've just got back from a trip to see Sam's cousin who is studying at Aberystwyth University. A group of us travelled down on the train, which was a great laugh. Everyone in the group is related to Sam and I get on really well with them all. I have a lot of time for them and they have welcomed me into their family.
Only one of them knows of my past, or at least that is my understanding, and although it's nice to think I blend into society undetected, I always assume that anyone who looks at me notices my past. I always feel like everyone is staring when I walk into a bar and I'm really conscious that I don't smile much when I should be enjoying great company. I feel like a timid dog, with its tail between its legs.
Combining that with the fact that we all stand out for being at least fifteen years older than the majority of the bars clientele, makes for a situation I feel very uncomfortable in.
This brings me back to the FFS debate. I do think that FFS would boost my self confidence tremendously, and maybe from there I would feel comfortable enough in my own skin to smile, laugh and enjoy these situations better. It is sometimes difficult for those around me to understand why I think I need FFS, but I hope that goes someway to explain a little better.
Anyway, as it was Halloween, we all decided to do fancy dress. In hindsight, my costume possibly made me stand out more than most... Should have been a zombie!

 

 

I'm back after 5 years!

Hello everyone! I have decided to restart my blog after being away from it for over five years. Life has been pretty busy and for the most part I have been far happier than in my previous life. There was never any doubt in my mind that I was doing the right thing as far as SRS was concerned, and the last five years have confirmed that it was the right decision for me.
Just a couple of months after returning from Thailand, I was keen to get back out on the dating scene and soon found myself in a relationship with a girl called Heidi. Everything started off great, even after her being told about my past, but over an 18 month period I became aware that she was overly possessive and jealous of my friends. She even went to the extreme of contacting people from my previous life, for what reason I will never know! I was so blind to this and should never have put up with all the bullshit she gave me, and I certainly regret having lost some great friends! Love is blind they say?
I made the decision to finish things with Heidi. We had been living together for just over a year and I did find it hard to let go. Possibly because she was my first girlfriend post SRS.
After Heidi, there was a short relationship with Sarah. She was a good friend of Fiona's and a really lovely genuine person too. Sadly, we only lasted a couple of months mainly because I just wasn't over Heidi. As a result, I have lost my best friend who I miss loads! The moral being... Don't sleep with your best friends mate.
The next year I spent 'making friends', as I'd recently moved to a new town. Visiting the local gay bar and being 'fresh meat' was a great experience that I probably needed, even if just to build my confidence. My confidence quickly improved to the point that I had gotten myself a little reputation, which in turn got me a job DJing at the gay bar.
This is how I met my current Fiancé, Sam. Everyone fancies the DJ right? Sam approached me while I was working and we got chatting and instantly hit it off. We met up for a drink a few days later and since then we've had a fab time together. It has now been nearly four years since we met and I couldn't imaging life without her. There's never a dull moment and we always find an occasion to have fun! We've recently moved to a lovely little place in the country, which is so peaceful and quiet.
Life is good!
Anyway, the main reason for starting my blog back up is because I have, for a long time, been contemplating FFS and that I'll want to document that, or at least share my thoughts on the matter. I have a consultation booked with Dr Bart Van de Ven for mid November for which I am both excited and nervous about. I have also been looking at Facial Team and will be booking a consultation with them too. I think it's a good idea to see several surgeons, as they will all have slightly different ideas or techniques etc. and Facial Team do seem to have a very good reputation in the trans community.

Permited to leave :-D

A couple of days to catch up on now that I can get out and about a little more. Thursday I went over the bridge again to the mall. I bought a bracelet which caught my eye, and is rather unusual. I also bought a hair clip just because it had a butterfly on it. I've always thought my life was similar to a butterfly, in that for 28 years I've been in a chrysalis feeling depressed, suppressed, and unable to do anything about it. Now it's time to hatch out as the beautiful butterfly I was always meant to be.

Friday I spent some time in the clinic just chatting to the other girls that are here. I also had a check up again with Dr Suporn. I was dreading this check up, as last time I saw him he said I may need some more stitches where some necrosis (dead skin) had appeared. He was concerned that the new skin that was growing underneath the patch of necrosis, was not going to graft onto the labia. I was really worried about having this done.

Anyway, during the check up he gave nothing but good news. I didn't need the stitches, as the necrosis has reduced considerably and he could see that it had healed well. He told me I no longer needed to use the Bitadene on the stitches on the outside of the vagina. Which is great as it stains everything, even your skin. He said I could have a bath, but not too hot and not for very long. To hear that was just fantastic, I miss my weekly soak in the bath. I will wait until I get home though, as the water here isn't very clean. I can now also use my normal shower gel to clean the vaginal area. Finally the best thing he told me, which made me feel quite emotional, was that he was happy for me to go home. I just have one final check up on Tuesday, then we'll leave here on Thursday. Can't wait!!

Today I've been for a longish walk, the same that I did a couple of days back. This time I found the mall, which is bigger than the one nearest the clinic. It has nothing of any real interest in it though, unless you want a mobile phone or accessories for one. There must have been thousands of mobile phones on display, I can only describe it as 'a sea of mobile phones'. I also wondered down a side street, there were some interesting shops but still nothing of any real interest. Lets face it, Chonburi is crap for shopping and it's only famous for one thing. ;-)
Walking here isn't a problem and I always feel safe, even when alone. The people are generally very friendly and always smiling. You do get starred at alot, but only because you're a westerner. I have had a couple of comments on the street like; "hello madame, very beautiful" while pointing at my hair. I guess they don't see many blonde girls.

A days holiday

I had a great day yesterday at Dr Suporn's beach house and the Chinese temple. I was amazed at how colourful the temple was, a truly fantastic place to visit. I managed to get some sunbathing in at the beach house and subsequently have added to my tan lines. A lot of time was spent in the shade as the heat again was just too much. Plenty of talking with the other girls went on, and exchanging experiences was enlightening. There was also an indoor swimming pool for those not there for surgery.

On getting back to the hotel I ordered room service as I was shattered, and after eating it was time for my evening dilation. It was possibly my worst dilation so far, not due to pain or discomfort but I think due to several other factors. I could not get to my depth no matter how hard I tried and after an hour I just gave up, feeling very frustrated. The factors I think that interfered with the routine were: I was tired, I wasn't relaxed, I was sore, I was hot and I was feeling quite alone. So I had a shower, cleaned up and got into bed and cried myself to sleep.

This morning when I woke up at 7.30am, I wasn't looking forward to dilating. I tried to relax myself first so started at 8am. Sure enough, dilation was no problem this morning, although getting to depth still seems to take me a good half hour. I did make sure I had plenty of lubrication this time too, as I was sure that may also be contributing factor to last nights lack of success. I can't wait to get back home and buy some water based lubricant, as I'm certain this will make dilation so much easier.

Today I'm taking it easy, just sitting out on the terrace with my laptop and DS. I may take a walk across the bridge to the mall later, after my afternoon session.

Well, sorry guys and girls but we're back onto dilation again today, as I've had to slightly adjust my dilation routine. I now have to get to my depth with the medium dilator, which is now taking about 30-40 minutes, then continue with dynamic dilation for another 15 minutes. Once this is done, I remove the medium dilator and repeat the process with the larger dilator. Thankfully, I don't have to get this one to full depth. Dr Suporn said anything past 4 inches is fine. Looking at the large dilator always frightened me, and I always maintained that 'that thing is not going to fit inside me'! Well I have to say I was supprised. It slides in with no problem and doesn't cause me any pain or discomfort. I am still very sore down there, and I have had to reduce my walking pace slightly. I have another check up later today, so will see what Dr Suporn has to say this time. I have still only regained that quarter of an inch, and keeping that is really hard work.

Yesturday, I managed to get out a little more and ventured across the road to the shopping mall. I didn't do the bridge, although I thought I probably could if I wanted to. We crossed the busy main road, which has 3 lanes in both dirrections and traffic is unpredictable. It took us about 15 minutes to get a gap big enough to toddle over. It felt great to have that little bit of extra freedom. The mall is air conditioned, and we had a good look round on 3 out of 4 floors before I had to sit down and have a drink. I knew at this point I needed to head back to the clinic, where I could have a rest. On the way back I wanted to try the bridge, I felt ready for it. I took each step very slowly and gently lifted one leg at a time onto the next step. I had to have a rest at the top, due to the heat more than anything, but otherwise didn't have a problem. It probably took about the same amount of time as crossing the busy road, but it was the sence of achievement that mattered to me. Sure enough, when we got to the clinic I had a lay down on the sofa and a glass of cold water was given to me. After 30 minutes or so, I was ready to head back to the hotel to start my afternoon dilation.

We also had some lunch, then I wanted to work on my tan so we headed off to a hotel down the road that has a roof top swimming pool. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to swim after the operation but I only wanted to sunbath anyway. It was 3pm and the heat was still really hot, and I managed to lay there for 30 minutes before I was just too hot.

Something different

I'm not going to talk about dilation today, as it's still sore. I have got a little closer to gaining that 1/2 inch back though.

I thought I'd give my feelings on post op rest, and how important I think that is. Let me first say that I have not yet, touch wood, woke up in a pool of blood or had any other nasty shocks. 'Pool of blood' is how a girl here described how she woke up (2 weeks post op) in the middle of the night. When I questioned what she had done that day, she replied 'I did the bridge'. For those that don't know, the bridge is a footbridge just outside the clinic, used to cross the road. I know alot of girls say the bridge is something you have to do before you leave, but 2 weeks post op is just too soon! On delving further into the conversation we had, I discovered she was drying between her toes after showering. Again, this just puts too much strain on the wound. I am now nearly three weeks post op, and I can only just dry the bottoms of my legs. It seems alot of girls here seem to think they are ready to get back to a normal life, when clearly they arn't. Listern to the people that know. There advice is given with good reason.

The only other thing I will say about today, is that I have a craving for Cornetto's. I've had five today, and I've sent Dell out to restock the freezer.

Dilation, now 3 times a day

Well, this morning I got up feeling fantastic for a change. I did my morning dilation routine and had my breakfast. I did my makeup and went out feeling great. I went down to the clinic as there's free internet access, and did some work. I had another check up with Dr Suporn today too. He did another internal inspection, and checked my vulva, labia and clitoris again. All was fine. He asked me about the depth I was getting during dilation and when I told him I had lost half an inch, he said it was too soon to loose any depth, and I now need to dilate three times a day to try to get the original depth back. He told me I need to apply continuous pressure when I get to my full depth, and while gyrating the dilator.

When I left I was feeling a little down to be honest, as dilating twice a day is hard enough. None the less, I went back to the hotel to do an afternoon 'session'. I got to the depth, and applied the technique Dr Suporn told me about. I was sceptical as to whether or not this was going to work, but sure enough, I gave it a try. I did it over 15 minutes, as told to, and was surprised when I had now regained a quarter of an inch. When doing my evening dilation, I was also able to regain the extra quarter of an inch. I know it doesn't sound a lot, but it's half way to regaining the depth I had lost. So I'm hoping, with continued use of this technique, I can get back to my original depth.